the voices dying with a dying fall

So I’ve spent like the last hour on the same web page–
Final Meal Requests
of death row inmates. I have this weird urge to study correlations
between types of crimes and types of meals… it’s mostly
Cheeseburgers, Fried Chicken, Steak, and french fries– lots of ice
cream. Murder, rape, robbery…
You can click on the profile to see a photo and their crimes, if you happen to find their last meal particularly interesting.

isn’t it just fucking weird? That I can do this on Wednesday morning? I can look at the profiles and last meals of executed criminals?
I’m having a moment– a wtf are we doing here surreality nothing makes
sense what a piece of work is man how can everyone be so fucked up and
not even know it catch 22 type of moment.

a lot of the guys were 17 when they committed the crime.
some didn’t finish middle school.

Chef soup with crackers, chili with beans,
steamed rice, seasoned pinto beans, corn, seasoned mustard greens, hot
spiced beets, and iced tea killed a cop raped a 3 year old girl looks a lot like patrick warburton, died 23 years ago.

Twelve beef ribs, three enchiladas, chicken
fried steak with cream gravy, crisp bacon sandwich, ketchup, a loaf of
bread, cobbler, three Cokes, three root beer, French fries, and onion
rings former cop/security guard kidnapped and (allegedly) killed a 12
year old boy for ransom money to bail himself out of financial trouble
after luring his friends the boys parents away to an Amway meeting,
executed 3 years ago.

1 bag of assorted Jolly Ranchers at 17 killed two men over a drug deal, executed 6 years ago.

Cool Whip and cherries shot a 5 year old girl and wounded the parents, executed 4 years ago.

Eucharist/Sacrament shot two girls in their twenties; was employed with Central Texas Crime Prevention at time of the murders.

Six pieces of french toast with
syrup,
jelly, butter, six barbecued spare ribs, six pieces of well burned
bacon, four scrambled eggs, five well cooked sausage patties, french
fries with ketchup, three slices of cheese, two pieces of yellow cake
with chocolate fudge icing, and four cartons of milk attacked and
robbed a married couple, shot the husband (24), raped the wife and then
shot her in the head but she survived to testify having lost an eye and
suffering brain damage..

T-bone steak (med. to well done), french
fries and ketchup, whole kernel corn, sweet peas, lettuce and tomato
salad with egg and french dressing, iced tea, sweetener, saltines,
Boston cream pie, and rolls poisoned his own son’s halloween candy.

you get the idea.

I’m both hungry and nauseated.

I have too much to ramble about this insanity, and a paper to write.
Is it just me? Isn’t this incredibly fucked up?

ugh.

Well, Cangrejero threw down another gauntlet… so here it is. Thanks for giving me a reason to take a break! Come on guys, you know this works. Get hoppin’!

Shuffle game rules:

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to each question.
4. Cheating optional

1.) Describe your first date.

Shuffle Says: "Girl About Town" by Helen Love

er,
um, wow. Ok. Actually, I went to the ice house with Chad, who brought
his best friend along, and ignored me the whole time, and was flat out
mean to me the second his mom dropped us off. But even then at the
tender age of 12, I was already a fallen rock star sleeping under bars.
Rock on.

2.) What is your personal religion?
Shuffle Says: "Now That I Know" by Devendra Banhart

You’re a genius, shuffle, a genius.

3.) What do you think of your current hometown?
Shuffle Says: "Paint’s Peeling" by Rilo kiley

Yes, it is feeling a little dilapidated… perhaps time to shift along a little bit.

4.) What do you feel guilty about?
Shuffle Says: "We Both Go Down Together" by The Decemberists

Lots of ways to take that one, take it as you will. Also, "Everything" would have been an approriate answer.

5.) What embarrasses you?
Shuffle Says: "Bad Things to Such Good People" by Pedro the Lion

Yes, I feel embarrassed for the universe, because that too is my fault.
I’m
also a black sheep in the fam, being an athiest single mom and all, so
this definitely works. could not fly straight to save my life…

6.) What kind of restaurant would you open?
Shuffle Says: "I Can’t Move" by Everlast

Absolutely.
I would build the slowest drive-through in the history of man, complete
with guard rails to keep you from escaping. Teach the lazy bastards to
walk inside. Wait, I’m one of those lazy bastards.

7.) How do you feel about fall?
Shuffle Says: "Work Hard/Play Hard" by Palace

Highly
appropriate for my last semseter. I love autumn– pretty leaves, strong
breezes… wait, it’s 85 degrees outside. Nevermind.

8.) What’s your greatest fear?
Shuffle Says: "The Bones of an Idol" by The New Pornograhers

nice.

9.) What’s your biggest weakness?
Shuffle Says: "As You Are Right" by Geoff Farina

Yes, it’s whatever you say it is. Feel free to vote for vices in the comments. Also, cowardice.

10.) What was the last lie you told?
Shuffle Says: "Our Lady of Solitude" by Leonard Cohen

I
have zero ideas about this one.Actually, I believe the last lie I told
was "No, I’m not mad." Or maybe it was telling Joss he could have a
pony. I can’t remember.

11.) What’s the biggest thing you learned in school?
Shuffle Says: "Hail to Whatever You Found in the Sunlight that Surrounds You" by Rilo Kiley

I
would take this to mean a delicate blend of physics and
transcendentalism. I would have said something about hoaxy religions or
the power of metaphor, but whatever, what do I know.

12.) What did you dream your life would be like as a child?
Shuffle Says: "No Joy in Mudville" by Death Cab for Cutie

lol.
Well, I think my dreams evolved from housewife, to fashion designer, to
theoretical physicist, to photojournalist for national geographic, to
novelist. But never did any of these plans involve staying in NC. So
yeah, this works.

13.) What was your first serious girlfriend/boyfriend like?
Shuffle Says: "Hope" by Dirty Three

You
know, I always think fondly of my first boyfriend. He was a friend of
my brothers, and he was the first person to ever treat me like I was
smart. He inspired me to think about more complicated issues and he
always treated me well. But looking back, he was 19 and I was 13, and
really, that’s a little bit creepy. But given that this song is
instrumental, secretly, shuffle is just keeping it’s mouth shut.

14.) What were you doing 10 years ago?
Shuffle Says: "Poppies" by Marcy Playground

Wow.
more like 11 years ago, but damn, that hits the mark.10 years ago I was
in a sleep deprived haze with a newborn. where has the time gone?

15.) What will you be doing in 10 years?
Shuffle Says: "No More Colleges" by Nathan Asher and the Infantry

Knock on wood. No, really. Do it.

16.) What does a cry for help from you sound like?
Shuffle Says: "Hell No, I Ain’t Happy" by Drive-by Truckers

Well, I try to be a simple kind of girl.

17.) What do you buy at Wal-Mart?
Shuffle Says: "Side by Side" by Grant Lee Buffalo

What
is that, a lunchable? A jumper for Siamese twins? PBJ? Then again, the
songs about haves and have-nots, so, it works in an abstract way.

18.) Describe your personal political philosophy
Shuffle Says: "Left Me for Dead" by Rob Dougan

perhaps "lefty or die"?

19.) Do You like to travel?
Shuffle Says: "Bird Stealing Bread" by Iron & Wine

"I’ve not seen you lately
on the street by the beach
or places we used to go"

yeah, I love to travel.

20.) How do you feel about your coworkers?
Shuffle Says: "Unwell" by Matchbox 20

I’m
not sure which is funnier, that they think I’m crazy, or that I think
they’re crazy? Either way, it’s awesome because the closest thing I
have to a job is working in a psych lab.

Post away, kiddies. I want to see your lists!

Songs of the Hour: Trees Lounge by Hayden; Nick Drake, White Sulfur

First of all, I’m sorry I’ve been so incommunicado.
I’ve
gotten a few messages/emails in the last week or two to which I haven’t
gotten a chance to respond, or haven’t been in the right mindset to
respond properly. I did find myself watching two documentaries– Guys and Dolls, about 4 men and their relationships to their Real Dolls; and the Half-Ton Man, which is self explanatory.
I
generally don’t watch a lot of films during the semester, having a
zillion other things to do, unless it’s something I’m doing with Joss.
But I stumbled on these online, and my morbid curiosity compelled me
(like the power of christ, but different). Ethnographies of sorts for
the most part, they emphasize certain human behaviors and psychological
processes one might not ordinarily have opportunity to examine so
closely… But on a human level, it’s really sad. Which leaves me all
ruminatory and  thoughtful and socially withdrawn until I can adapt
to/internalize the perspectives and paradigms to which I’ve been
exposed.
I think I’m over it now… but I recommend them both, and
the links above go to the full film if you have the time/interest.
They’re about 45 minutes each.

School is steady as she goes.
It’s midterm time, and I completely blanked out on my Shakespeare test,
but hopefully rambled enough to get a passing number of points (which
of course means at least a B). Secretly, I’m loving the class. I wrote
a paper on "Wombs as Tombs" imagery in Romeo and Juliet, focusing on
the foreshadowing language for how they die… I really do love this
Literature business.  I envy you guys with the stomach for academia,
well, with the balls to teach, at least. I’d be far happier if I had
your courage. I’d be content to extol on the beauty of lit to apathetic
young minds for a living if I could only stand to address more than 3
people at any given time. So carry on, my loves, and let me live
vicariously through you.

When Joss started back to school 2
weeks ago, I made a dry erase chart of the things he needs to do each
night in an effort to help him organize his apparently overwhelming
amount of tasks. His teacher and school counselor recommended it, and I
thought why the hell not?  The first week, my little monkey transformed
into a complete angel. He knew there was some money/boons on the line,
and he made the unfortunate mistake of demonstrating what he was
capable of when he set his mind to it.  He said it was really hard, but
his teacher sent home a note saying he  was focusing in class, and for
the first time ever, consistently finishing his classwork. This last
week was a disaster. Well, he started coming around on Thursday, and
did ok on Friday, but the beginning of the week was the usual not
bringing home the books he needed to do his homework, and getting
negative behavior reports. The "let’s start over monday with a clean
slate" approach usually works best for him, keeping him from getting
too discouraged, so I’m hoping to get back on a productive track next
week. Meanwhile, I’m playing phone tag with UNC’s psych clinic trying
to get his evaluation appointment set up now that I’ve gone through all
the preliminary interviews. I think it’s going to be about $750; well
worth it if it helps figure out exactly what his issues are.

We
saw Transformers last night. I could go on forever about its mixed
criticisms and endorsements of the military-industrial complex; the 90
minute Hummer commercial; the glorification of the military, etc. etc.
But it also made fun of the faceless president, and showed a few
somewhat sincere consequences of violence… all around I don’t know
how to feel about it. It was edgy for a kid’s movie, and a little flat
for a grown-up movie, but Joss loved it. Afterwards he asked some
really insightful questions, so at least it was thought provoking for
him. I dunno how I feel yet. I’ll get back to you.

Every day or
two, I realize that I’m graduating in 2 months. It leaves me with the
mixed feelings of relief, panic, and melancholy. I really, really need
to get down to Career Services and figure out how to get the kind of
research job I want… but little things, like not knowing where the
building is, really slows me down. You know, stupid stuff. I’m also
reevaluating the grad school program options. Which leads me to
university websites, which makes me crazy. Like stark raving
frustrated. But I’m not going to get started on that again because I
have another midterm I need to be studying for, and script to memorize.
Oh, by script I mean an experimenters script, since I’ll be helping to
run experiments for my research director for the next few months.
Interpersonal communications have never been so exciting… I can’t
tell you more until the experiment is over, but I’m really enjoying the
research assistant stuff. I think, theoretically, when you do the sort
of stuff we’re doing, us lowly RA’s end up somewhere on the list of
researchers when the papers get published. Which, if true, looks lovely
on grad school apps. Hmm. I should look into that too.

Faulkner
calls. Sorry for the most boring post ever, but at least it’s
something. I’m alive and somewhat kicking. Also, foaming at the mouth.
No, I mean it. You know that can of stuff that you use to clean
computer equipment? It’s like an air power-spray? Well, it’s also used
for huffing, so some companies put a "Bittering Agent" in it to prevent
abuse. Having cleaned my laptop with it, and having not read the label
carefully, every time I touch a key it gets on my fingers, which
inevitable touch my mouth and this chemical spreads into your sinuses
and it DOES NOT GO AWAY and I can always taste it or smell it and no
amount of keyboard wiping cleans it off. So, fyi, be warned. Read
labels.

drooling bitterly,

love.