This Breaching is his Act of Defiance
I feel like a turtle.
All day, stumbling around shell-shocked with a shell-shaped book bag,
stuffed with unfinished books and less finished papers, maneuvering
sideways and stealthing backwards to keep from knocking things over
with the mountain on my back. I’m always off-center, off-balance, often
off-my-path. It’s with me everywhere I go.
Then later, exhausted, holding still, I don’t go home; I just crawl
into my backpackback and rifle around and hide… perhaps
accomplishing, perhaps not. This is all I do. Inch slowly forward under
the weight of books until exhausted I fall flat and curl up inside in a
corner.
I feel like a turtle.
Also, I am very green and somewhat salty.
I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I was certain this morning, but
with my 17th century Lit midterm behind me now, perhaps I may pull
through. I can’t be certain– the line between whelmed and overwhelmed
is a little fuzzy. I am, however, breaking out like a traumatized 15
year old. I’m 30– doesn’t that go away? I mean the breakouts, not the
thirty. The thirty signed a ten year contract.
Perhaps indeed it is stress related. I am even more behind than usual
in school-related reading; I have papers and midterms the next 2 weeks;
2 oral reports coming up for my psych final project; Joss’ and/or his
teacher has called me every day this week complaining about something
or other; I’ve gotten two traffic tickets; and to top it off I’m going
to the UNC vs Duke game with my brother Sunday… if I can sneak him in
of course which involves borrowing a student ID from someone who looks
remotely like my brother… and I don’t know anyone who fits that
description and I think if this falls through he’ll cry. I can’t bare
the thought of disappointing him so much…
(meanwhile, as she writes, some 21 year old American who couldn’t turn
down the army’s offer to renew his contract is lying in the back of a
truck staring at the space where his leg use to be; and in MIsrael
another bus just blew up…)
Shut up floating head narrator, I have anxiety issues enough.
I have an exciting paper due tomorrow on the warp and woof of Moby Dick. I’ll quit my bitching now.
Just wanted to share that single interesting phenomenon that I do indeed,
feel like a turtle.
love.
