the voices dying with a dying fall

Marco sent this out, and it really is a lot of fun. You need access to your music device, otherwise it doesn’t take very long. Very insightful, if not scary. Have at it.

How to play:

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to each question.
4. Cheating optional
–

As for me…

1. How am I feeling today?
Shuffle says: "The Feeling Begins" by Peter Gabriel
Ok, that was just creepy…

2. Where will I get married?
Shuffle says: "Up the Junction" by the Decemberists
Um, the junction of what? Like the crossroads where the devil lives? because that makes sense.

3. What is my best friend’s theme song?
Shuffle says: "OK with my Decay" by Grandaddy
I wish that were my theme song… unfortnately I’m not as brave.

4. What was high school like?
Shuffle says: "Long Distance Runaround" by Red House Painters
Marco, you’re right. This is genius.

5.What is the best thing about me?
Shuffle says: "Heart Cooks Brain" by Modest Mouse
Wow. Just wow. I wonder if 4 out of 5 dentists would agree.

6. How is today going to be?
Shuffle says: "Hoodoo Voodoo" By Billly Bragg
That’s self explanatory.

7. What is in store for this weekend?
Shuffle says: "Strange Loop?" by Liz Phair
Story of my life, really…

8. What song describes my parents?
Shuffle says: "If You’re Gone" by Matchbox 20
not funny, people.

9. How is my life going?
Shuffle says: "Make Like Paper" by Red House Painters
I’ll take that to mean both "flammable" and "predisposed to origami".

10. What song will they play at my funeral?
Shuffle says: "I Will Follow You into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie
Oh my fucking god…what are the chances? Creeped out now. For real.

11. How does the world see me?
Shuffle says: "Mona Lisa" by Grant lee Phillips
If this is true, then I’ll save you the heartache. Yes, I am smiling. But no, I” never tell you why. This is profound. Especially if you know me.

12. What do my friends really think of me?
Shuffle says: "Lost on my Merry Way" by Grandaddy
I knew it. Well, you’re probably right.

13. Do people secretly lust after me?
Shuffle says: "Cinder and Smoke" by Iron and Wine
I’ll continue the game when I’m through laughing.

14. How can I make myself happy?
Shuffle says: "Tres" by Pinback
That’s pretty damn depressing…

15. What should I do with my life?
Shuffle says: "the Fox and the Hound" by Destroyer
I think I’m doing this already.

16. Will I ever have children?
Shuffle says: "My Coco" by Stellastarr
This makes zero sense. Kind of refreshing, really… it really was getting creepy.

17. What is some good advice?
Shuffle says: "Apple" by Cibo Matto
hmm… I am a little hungry.

18. What do I think my current theme song is?
Shuffle says: "Reptile Style" by Reigning Sound
lol lol lol lol lol

19. What does everyone else think about my current life?
Shuffle says: "In the Drugs" by Low
I hate you, I hate you all.

20. What type of men do you like?
Shuffle says: "Timorous Me" by Ted Leo & Rx
What can I say to that?

21. Will you get married?
Shuffle says: "It’ll Probably Make Me Cry" by Mary’s Danish
Doesn’t get any better than that.

22. What should I do with my love life?
Shuffle says: "Silence Kid" by Pavement
I’m on it. Wow.

23. Where will you live?
Shuffle says: "Where is My Mind" by The Pixies
I love this song. Again, this is profound.

24. What will your dying words be?
Shuffle says: "Make me Stay" by Ani DiFranco
I like the defiance, really. I can imagine worse. Lots worse.

25. When I’m having sex, I say…
Shuffle says: "A Favor" by Okkervil River
Where did you get these questions?

26. When I meet a boy for the first time I say…
Shuffle says: "Caring is Creepy" by The Shins
LOL. Really, I don’t, but I probably should. I think I will from now on.

27. When my parents are angry I say…
Shuffle says: "Promising Light" by Iron and Wine.
This question makes me think I’m 14 again. Hmm. I’m making up a couple more, more age appropriate.

28. Will you ever get the career you want?
Shuffle says: "Walking with a Ghost" by Tegan and Sara
Well, I should probably drop out of college.

29. What do your collegues think of you?
Shuffle says: "Winter Pageant" by The Softies
Are you saying I’m melancholy and guilt-ridden? Eh, you’re probably right.

30. Do you believe in god?
Shuffle says: "Weird Divide" by The Shins
LOL. ok, that’s enough. I’m convinced this is brilliant.

You have the lovers,

they are nameless, their histories only for each other,

and you have the room, the bed, and the windows.

Pretend it is a ritual.

Unfurl the bed, bury the lovers, blacken the windows,

let them live in that house for a generation or two.

No one dares disturb them.

Visitors in the corridor tip-toe past the long closed door,

they listen for sounds, for a moan, for a song:

nothing is heard, not even breathing.

You know they are not dead,

you can feel the presence of their intense love.

Your children grow up, they leave you,

they have become soldiers and riders.

Your mate dies after a life of service.

Who knows you? Who remembers you?

But in your house a ritual is in progress:

it is not finished: it needs more people.

One day the door is opened to the lover’s chamber.

The room has become a dense garden,

full of colours, smells, sounds you have never known.

The bed is smooth as a wafer of sunlight,

in the midst of the garden it stands alone.

In the bed the lovers, slowly and deliberately and silently,

perform the act of love.

Their eyes are closed,

as tightly as if heavy coins of flesh lay on them.

Their lips are bruised with new and old bruises.

Her hair and his beard are hopelessly tangled.

When he puts his mouth against her shoulder

she is uncertain whether her shoulder

has given or received the kiss.

All her flesh is like a mouth.

He carries his fingers along her waist

and feels his own waist caressed.

She holds him closer and his own arms tighten around her.

She kisses the hand beside her mouth.

It is his hand or her hand, it hardly matters,

there are so many more kisses.

You stand beside the bed, weeping with happiness,

you carefully peel away the sheets

from the slow-moving bodies.

Your eyes are filled with tears, you barely make out the lovers.

As you undress you sing out, and your voice is magnificent

because now you believe it is the first human voice

heard in that room.

The garments you let fall grow into vines.

You climb into bed and recover the flesh.

You close your eyes and allow them to be sewn shut.

You create an embrace and fall into it.

There is only one moment of pain or doubt

as you wonder how many multitudes are lying beside your body,

but a mouth kisses and a hand soothes the moment away.

– Leonard Cohen

Have a nice night.

Song of the Hour: Westfall by Okkervil River
                               I’m Down by Goldfinger (what the hell?)

I’ve been debating for the last 7 minutes whether to watch Lost, or write a post.
So I decided instead to try to write for 7 minutes, and see how that works out. I love ABC for putting up their episodes for free, rather than charging like NBC does.

I used to be able to say I only watched 2 shows– Lost and The Office. But for my b-day, I got Star Trek TNG, and Veronica Mars, not to mention my favorite Buffy season for Christmas (season 6, and I don’t give a damn if you don’t like it :)  ). The pull to the magic box is stronger than ever… did I mention my subscription to Netflix? Other than realizing I am indeed the biggest geek ever, I know also that if I’m remotely academically disciplined it should take me many months to get through these  seasons… I can’t make any promises. Secretly, I’m betting on two. That’s 9 seasons of television in 2 months. I need therapy.

No, seriously, I need therapy. There was a prank gone wrong last week that really got me thinking about it (for the record, ms. prankster, I know you’re reading and please don’t get going with the guilt again. it’s ok).  I know I’ve bitched about spiders like every other post, their general wrongness, and the hospital expenses accrued to their biting, etc.  But a mischievous link sent through google chat of a gianormous super-close up a jumping spider’s face with its numerous round creepy eyes and furriness and I have to stop describing it because it makes me picture it and my skin is crawling and I want to vomit  and I’m freaking out all over again– ahem. Seriously.  I have a problem. Rationally, I know it’s a bug. I know most of them are harmless bugs. But there is something about rows of eyes that  Makes. Me. Crazy.  I clicked on the link and it popped up and before I even consciously registered what it was I was 8 feet away from my chair and having a full on panic attack, and I think  I kinda screamed I can’t remember. Then as per usual panic attack aftermath I was crying uncontrollably for purely biological para/sympathetic nervous system reasons which, of course, I find infuriating. For like 36 hours every time I closed my eyes I saw it and started thinking horrible things, as we do when lying alone in the dark.

This is ridiculous. I know that. It’s silly and irrational. Websurfing, I ran across a picture of an asian woman with her face doubled and it creeped me out and hurt my eyes and I couldn’t stop staring at it– it’s like your brain is trying to find the center of the face to focus on and it just can’t but it keeps trying– then I realized the 4 eyes reminded me of a spider (I know there are more than 4 but no one will tell me exactly how many there are and I refuse to count) and I I could not  look at it anymore. Follow the link– is it just me? is it hard to look at?

Christ this is getting long. Point is, I think my phobia has officially hit debilitating levels. You see how long I can talk about it. I still haven’t seen the part of the HP & the Chamber of Secrets when they go into the woods and confront the beast; or the part when Gollum leads Frodo into that cave.  Nor could I help Joss on the PS2 LOTR game when the hobbits had to fight it. Not mention the level of freak out at running across a picture in general. It’s weird that I would rather have a small, living spider in my hand than have to look at a close up of one in a photograph. Bizarre. Anyway, this is getting ridiculous.  Point is, I’m contemplating a professional. The further into Moby Dick I get, the more i sympathize with Ahab and that is not i repeat not a good sign.

I took two tests this week. My math-for-idiots test was just that– for idiots. If I didn’t ace that I’m going to seek a lobotomy, b/c otherwise my brain is wasting space. The psych test I took today was insane. I didn’t think any of the multiple choice answers to choose from were correct– that’s not a good sign. Also, I drew a blank when trying to imagine mediating variables to explain a high correlation b/t religiosity and mental health. Ugh, and this is what I want to do with my life?

I’ve also been thinking about putting off grad school until Joss is older. No, I have no idea how to get by with a BA in English and another in Psych and still pay off loans, but there has to be a way. I know it doesn’t sound feasible but I feel like I am being a horrible mother by being so busy. And I know I could just slack off and get by with C’s and still get into some kind of grad program… but half-assing it doesn’t strike me as an reasonable compromise. I don’t know. What do you think?

As a parting thought, I was thinking yesterday about "being the envy of all your friends". My question came down to, why would anyone want that? What does one gets out of being envied? Some kind of status? A feeling of superiority? A smug smile on their face? Seriously, I thought about it forever, and I can’t figure it out. I mean, I know the ambition, I know the mindset, I can imagine the satisfaction, but it doesn’t make sense to me. It gains you nothing, but possible spite. How does it actually enrich your life? Because you can never know for sure. Anyway.

Oh– for those know my father, I want  you to know we’ve hit a new level of communication, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Now that I’m 30, it seems, my father seems hesitant but willing to discuss issues of mature content with me.  It also seems that his friend  who is computer savvy on the "inn-teru-net" as he calls it, has for some reason googled my name.  Where am I listed?

1. The Nightsound show as the nihilistic atheist  co-host.

2. Stories printed/recorded with either too much cursing for conservative fundamentalist taste, or else an honest (therefore unflattering) account of my mother’s life and death.

3. My professor’s website , exhibiting my podcast about the thin thin line b/t martyrdom and masochism.

My super religious uncle asked me about the story, and I told him not to encourage my dad to read it due to the explicit description of my mom’s death. But there are a dozen reasons why i don’t want him to read it, really. It’s just the rough draft that got put up, so it could be worse, but it would be DETRIMENTAL in many many ways. My father said he wouldn’t read it, but he shows it to everyone and asks them what they think… ugh. He wouldn’t if he really knew what it was about. If you’re not familiar with the ways of fundamentalist christians, don’t worry about any of this. But this is an awfully unfortunate turn of events for me. All his friends are religious, and I can only imagine how they look at him when they’re done reading it.

My point originally was that my dad told me this …. fascinating story he wants me to start the book that we’re going to write together with (this is all his idea. Apparently they all say that I’m a decent writer and he now makes plans for us together). It’s about down east NC in the days of his youth. For example, back in the day he says the cost for a newborn’s circumcision was fifty cents, or a pint of moonshine. He told me the story of a poor country boy whose parents had neither, so he had to forego circumcision. When the boy was around 6, there was an  freak episode in an outhouse with the boy and a rooster, roosters apparently making themselves at home in an outhouse, and a free, though accidental, circumcision after all. There’s more, oh , so much more. He wants me to write this book.

ok. I’m gonna watch lost. Thanks for putting up with the rambling,

love.