the voices dying with a dying fall

Songs of the Hour: Death Cab for Cutie
Stat of the  Week:  my semester GPA– 3.86

1. Honestly, I have no idea how I pulled off the GPA. I got A’s in everything except stats, in which I got a B+. Actually, I was just below the line with an 86.2 and she rounded it up for me. At best I was hoping for A-’s, but I guess all my profs went easy on the finals. Who knows. I’m not questioning. I have a rather grotesque picture of my right hand after finals, possessing a large disgusting blister that comes from writing furiously for 11 hours over the course of 3 days. Obviously, I’m going to share it with you.

2. I’ve been in a weird funk this week, the predominant symptom being bizarre uncontrollable crying for absolutely no reason. Well, day 1 made sense, Joss and I were not communicating well, and he refused to do little things, like get in the car, and whatnot. It was awful. Oh, maybe I forgot to mention he got suspended again for fighting, and was subsequently given a 4 day vacation. As per usual, the fight, as explained by him, "wasn’t my fault!". Anyway, dealing with his propensity to retaliate, and keeping him occupied while grounded is no small feat. It’s gotten better, but that first day was awful– so the crying was not totally out of the blue. But the next day was much better, and I still felt like shit. Someone told me it was probably just the pressure finally being off, and maybe he’s right. I think that, and a long series of little disappointments, ganged up on me. I don’t know; but it’s better now.

3. Just found out I have a graduation party to attend right now, so gonna have to cut it even shorter than I had planned. However, I just got my first Christmas present from Tim, and wanted to share it with you. Yes, you may all fall prey to your saber-envy– it’s ok, I don’t blame you. It’s a special thing, my Maulish gift. And it glows a bright bright red. And makes whooshing noises. What’s not to love?

later,
jenny

Songs of the Hour: The Devlins and Decemberists
Stat of the week: Roughly 10% of Americans are evangelical Christians.

I watched jesus camp this afternoon. It was pretty traumatizing, but I don’t think I can talk about it anymore. If you want to watch it, follow the link. However illegally it’s there, it’s there. Makes me sad, and somewhat frightened.

For months, I’ve had this weird desire to stop talking. Vow of silence, like. It isn’t practical, since communication is a rather important part of parenting, but I think I can squeeze a couple days in here and there. Like today. And tomorrow. I’m not exactly sure what I hope to gain, it’s just a feeling. perhaps I’ll listen more, and listen better. Pay more attention to now, and now, and now instead of chattering it all away. I started a little over an hour ago and I already feel better. Why does this feel so natural to me? I don’t think my voice is in my throat, I think it’s in my hands. I write more honestly and more myself than anything I speak. "Black and white is the truth laid bare".  Also, granted, there’s a certain element of cowardice to it… but I admit my cowardice, so there’s no need to fling it at me. yes, you there. no flinging. Seriously, I wish I could do this for weeks. 
Anyway, if anyone should happen to call, the conversation’ll be pretty one-sided. you’ve been warned.

I have one final exam left, friday evening. I got an A on my math final and the course. Everything else is up in the air. I’m fairly certain I failed my statistics test– I left half of it blank, due to complete mental shutdown. Sucked. I had a 90 until the last test, so maybe it won’t be too bad. But dear god, I lost it. I’m not very proud of myself on that one. but 12/15, I’m free. I’m dragging everyone who’s willing to Jackpot Friday night, so all locals and visiting are of course invited to celebrate with me. I will also be talking again, in case you were wondering.

I couldn’t sleep last night, so i watched a movie I’ve had sitting around for a while. Requiem for a Dream is not I repeat not a good movie to start at midnight. It’s a fucking brilliant movie– but I never, ever want to see it again. I’m scarred. To top it off, after cramming for my Philosophy of Film final, in the back of my mind I had this constant running analysis of epistemic positions, the synthesis of form with content, and a search for a "rhetorical figure of narrational instruction" which could really be a zillion things, which probably means I didn’t do very well on my exam. But this is beside the point.

I think that’s all for now. I feel sooooo much better now that my worst exams are over. I don’t think I did well on my Lit and Philosophy ones, but I wrote for 160 solid minutes on each of them, so maybe that’ll count for something. I can’t complain– i didn’t study nearly the way i should have this semester. My lit final prompt was "the mind of a killer" via Tess of D’Urbervilles (Hardy), The Secret Agent (Conrad), Therese Raquin  (Zola), an Oscar Wilde anthology, Pre-Raphaelite  poets, and Keats.  Considering I didn’t finish Tess, and didn’t even crack open Wilde’s  Salome, I really can’t complain about my grade. I don’t know what’s happened to me. And just the thought of years and years at grad school… ugh. Now’s not the time to whine.
enough.

quietly in the corner,
love.

this btw is just the cutest thing ever.

Songs of the Hour: Devendra Banhart Cripple Crow
Statistic of the Week: 

    Yesterday was my last day of class for the semester. Theoretically, one year from now I’ll be preparing for graduation with two B.A.’s, in English and Psychology. Sometime between now and then, I need to figure out how to get into grad school. Step by step guides are welcome from any willing to offer.
    I’ve been reviewing my old papers and tests trying to gauge exactly what I can expect grade-wise. I’m looking at a "90" in almost ever class– which means I have to ace my finals if I want to avoid an unsightly "B". No pressure. Why can’t I just worry about passing like other people? I have neuroses problems, that’s obvious. Looking back over my Psych/Personality  papers,  has been most enlightening.  Dr. Lucas’ comments  beg for introspection:
"You think! Too much!!"
"Have you considered majoring in philosophy?"
"Do you ever wish you were more stupid? I do, but I’m getting there."
"That is mighty unfortunate."  (that I stopped seeing a shrink after 2 visits)
and my favorite, the high score given for ambiguity:
"Jenny, you are a most something else."

I’m going to miss that man. This semester went by faster than the others– I’ve just now figured out where I have to be and when, and now it’s over.  Them’s the breaks, I guess.  12/15 is my last exam, then I’m free for 3 weeks.  Baby bit time.

Speaking of the baby bit, I’ve finally gotten the follow up to our McDonald’s  conversation about Gramma. Saturday morning, watching cartoons together as per (Cartoons just aren’t what they used to be, even thought they’re the same cartoons). TMNT was running whatever consumer based promo they had that day, and it was "Time Travel Weekend".
So, obviously, I posed the question to joss, "If you could go back and change something, what would it be?"
He looked confused, well, he always looks confused. But he clarified, "You mean right now?"
"Yep. right now. If you could go back and tell yourself something, what would you say?"
If he paused at all, it was for less than 3 seconds. "Not to give Gram’ma the sugar."
So, yeah, it’s safe to say he understands. How often does he think about this stuff? Does it worry him? Guilt complex already? Christ, he’s so my kid.
I tried to tell him it wouldn’t have mattered, that if Gram’ma wanted sugar, she was going to get it and no one could have stopped her, etc. etc. But I don’t know if he believed me or not. I hope so. He stopped listening to me when the commercials were over, but I hope that if I treat it casually whenever it comes up, he’ll wonder if he puts too much importance on the role he played. I also told him that she knew better than to eat such things, and that it was wrong of her to ask him– not really wrong of him to get it. We’ll see. Need to be patient with things like this.

btw– I put up a video of Joss talking. In the car, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, and said I wanted to record it so I wouldn’t forget– The only way to get him to act remotely normal on camera was to give it a profitable purpose aka, Christmas list. Anyway, for like 15 seconds I acted like the camera was off, and it’s the cutest thing ever (he ducked out of the frame to speak to me directly, putting himself right in front of the camera). When he realized it was still on he sat back up… anyway. It’s here if you want to see it– it’s less than a minute. I know some of you haven’t seen him in years, and photos just don’t quite capture the poetry in motion that is a 9 year old boy. So, watch away.

In other news, my computer nightmare finally resolved itself. Over the last few months, I’ve been struggling with updating itunes to the 7.0.1/2 version, in order to purchase all The Office episodes I’ve been missing due to unimportant things like school. It’s been very trying– something about quicktime keys being unopenable in my registry, and something about active x control. So, I learned to muck around in the registry and change things in order to delete the files, and after months and months of frustrated tinkering I finally figured it out (ownership and subkeys and permissions). It was a beautiful day, and I watched 3, count them 3, episodes that day. Next day, I turn on my thinkpad, and my login screen won’t come up. Windows won’t open at all. I contemplate seriously setting the damn thing on fire. After friend intervention and agonizing phone calls to IBM and Microsoft tech supports, I’m advised to "restore to factory state" aka erase my hard drive and start over.

Which I did. For the record, it’s not something I advise. But, i now have both my login screen, AND my Office, so I’m a happy little camper. The sad part is, though, looking back, and I think I’ve spent more time this semester working on my computer than I have doing homework.  And I’ve done a lot of homework.  I’m two books behind in my lit class.  I think my priorities may have gotten a little skewed.

I’m skipping out on the lengthy philosophizing today. I really should study for an exam or something. read a book maybe. review some logarithms.  check up on Stanley Cavell, I hear he writes about film.  Maybe start on those 7 chapters of Personality I haven’t  bothered looking at. Figure out what a one-tailed ANOVA procedure is for.

Who am I kidding– I’ll probably spend the rest of the day shopping online. I have a problem. You may have had some experience with my preferences for thrift; however this "one-click purchase" business has become the death of my credit line. I don’t know what to do. I’ve finished most of Joss’ christmas shopping already… a click here, a click there– I’ve sold my soul to amazon.  I need help.

But I also need director’s cuts of things, so I think I’ll go. Oh look! The director’s cut of Requiem for a Dream is only $10.99! So what if i haven’t seen the original yet, I’m sure it’s better!
And to think, I was all worried that my newly developed hatred of the American flag was a sign that I was a bad citizen. Not true at all! I’m a good consumer! I’m a patriot! If you’ll excuse me, my credit card and i are going to show our troops some support.

Viva La Capitalism, and god bless the USA.